Post by Yoko on Jul 29, 2005 22:18:42 GMT -5
July 29, 2005
So apparently we have made the decision to have a child. But it means two different things for myself and for Comfort. To Comfort this will be her first child and something she never thought she would have. It's nothing but joy and achievment. For me...it's so much more. I had a son once. Now I don't. When one child dies and you replace it with another does it make you a bad father? Does it mean you think less of the first child? That's what I keep wondering. Nightmares haunt my sleep of Sean my son telling me he hates me from the grave. I know they're just dreams...but do they mean something? Am I making the wrong choice? Am I selfish in wanting to feel the joy and pride of being a father again? I love Sean. I always will. He was my first born..my little boy. And I let him die. I know now it wasn't my fault. I never used to know that. The same wolf that infected me killed and practically are my son and my wife. I happened to make it through the attack to wake up to their bodies. I don't remember much about those few months after they were killed. I have vague memories of the funeral..of having to be controlled by the pack because my emotions were so torn I couldnt control my shifting. But I didn't really come to realize it wasn't my fault until I met Comfort. She's been my light in all this. My savior that brought me back to being me...who saved me from guilt. We're taking a trip to Seattle to see my sons grave. I go every year..this year Comfort is going with me. Maybe I'll find my answers there...
So apparently we have made the decision to have a child. But it means two different things for myself and for Comfort. To Comfort this will be her first child and something she never thought she would have. It's nothing but joy and achievment. For me...it's so much more. I had a son once. Now I don't. When one child dies and you replace it with another does it make you a bad father? Does it mean you think less of the first child? That's what I keep wondering. Nightmares haunt my sleep of Sean my son telling me he hates me from the grave. I know they're just dreams...but do they mean something? Am I making the wrong choice? Am I selfish in wanting to feel the joy and pride of being a father again? I love Sean. I always will. He was my first born..my little boy. And I let him die. I know now it wasn't my fault. I never used to know that. The same wolf that infected me killed and practically are my son and my wife. I happened to make it through the attack to wake up to their bodies. I don't remember much about those few months after they were killed. I have vague memories of the funeral..of having to be controlled by the pack because my emotions were so torn I couldnt control my shifting. But I didn't really come to realize it wasn't my fault until I met Comfort. She's been my light in all this. My savior that brought me back to being me...who saved me from guilt. We're taking a trip to Seattle to see my sons grave. I go every year..this year Comfort is going with me. Maybe I'll find my answers there...
