gabby
Dark Sinner
Posts: 32
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Phoenix
Dec 29, 2005 11:47:06 GMT -5
Post by gabby on Dec 29, 2005 11:47:06 GMT -5
- tapping a bare foot to the music that plays through the headphones, she chews on the top of the pen, staring at her journal…she began this ritual long ago…a way to catalogue her own thoughts and feelings…her great aunt Miian had told her that such things made you stronger…and that being the only girl in the family once mama had died was hard…she needed to toughen up…and toughen up she had…this journal alone showed differences when compared to her first one…she smiles in recollection of that…then begins to write -
My arrival the day before yesterday was pretty plain. I hadn’t expected to find Amber here, but seems she’s been here a while, serving my Ulfric. Jason, praise God he is still alive and well. I have missed him. He became much more to me than my own brothers. That is a sad state of affairs that the good Lord led me to. But, I get ahead of myself in my excitement to be home with my pack.
I ran into Amber within an hour of my arrival. She looks good, and happy. The girl needs that. I can see the lingering unhappiness that was there. Aunt Miian always said the family always knows. I guess so. But, she is happy. With a man of all things. That just turns my stomach, but maybe this one will be good for her. He is a big ol’ hunk of wolfiness. A bit too much bling, but maybe that’s just for show.
Last night, I went into a bar for a drink. This is where a dead man walking found me. Not a bad looking man. Not white, but not black neither. Nor is he a bayou boy.
He told me his name is T. What a load of bullshit that was he was shoveling. Damn gator bait cant even tell anyone his name.
- she smirks faintly, going back to chewing on the pen cap in thought before writing -
For the most part, I find he is an annoyance. But, there is something about him. Maybe I am a bit screwed in the head when it comes to them dead boys. I try hard not to remember the last couple years in New Orleans, but being around him just brings it all back, making me over react. The damn asshole actually kissed me, right in front of Jason, Amber and Amber’s man.
Eh, enough about that.
I finally am home. I found Jason. Seems he and Comfort got married. Had a set of twins by that expensive procedure. That must be why he is so far in debt. I will do the job offered to help get him out of that hole. Man, its good to be home with the pack. I cant wait to see Comfort and any of the others that came with Jason here.
- she smirks faintly at herself…hell, she wrote more about TDD than anything else…eh, she needs to get him out of her head and just get to pack business -
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gabby
Dark Sinner
Posts: 32
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Phoenix
Jan 16, 2006 13:54:46 GMT -5
Post by gabby on Jan 16, 2006 13:54:46 GMT -5
~ Phoenix looks at her journal, attempting to just assimilate everything that’s happened so she can write it down…so much has happened…she isn’t even sure she could write about all of it…but, it isn’t like anyone reads it…she needs to get it all straight in her head…she chews on the cap of the pen, then begins to write ~
Since coming home, life has been rather hectic. I cant even begin to truly know what to think about it. So much has happened. And, much of it not that good. I really am not sure what to write in this thing, more because some of it just isn’t really understood fully yet.
The first thing was the attack upon Comfort. No matter that she has never really liked me that much, she is still Jason’s wife, therefore my Lupa. My best friend’s love. Its weird to see that in print, knowing what has happened. But, Jason has always been that first. My teacher, my best friend. And, his wife’s attack set into motion things I would never have expected. Within my life, and Jason’s.
When the attack happened, it was outside the club she worked in. She had pretty much pushed Jason into allowing her to continue her stripping. We all need that thing that defines us, so I agree with her decision. But, doing it full time, I am not so sure about. More because the pack needs her. She is Lupa, after all. And, it seems that for months, she hasn’t been doing the duties bestowed on her.
I was told by my Ulfric to find out who was behind it. Destroy them. I did my duty, and that is what led all of us down the path we are on. I really don’t know how to word it differently. We all have been through so much. Even Comfort. For, yes, some part of me feels pity for her. Odd, really.
The beings behind the attack weren’t just Human First members. There were vampires and Lycans behind it. They are out to take down our pack. I find that the very thought absolutely enrages me. To kill my Ulfric, Lupa and Freki. Chase my pack from this city. The rage lurks within me, seeking to devour me. I feel it there, deep within me. Not my beast’s rage, but my own. The rage that has been there since I was young.
But, I guess I jump ahead of myself.
Tall, dark and dead, whose name is Tristan, helped me move through the lies and deeds of those behind this attack upon Comfort. We moved through the ranks, seeking who was behind it. We killed, slaughtered and rampaged. That’s the only way I can really describe it. I killed with a force of cold rage behind it that I more than likely would have scared myself had I not been holding that rage in full control.
In one of my attacks upon those behind this attack, I rescued a young pup. He had been held and tortured by the Human Firsts involved. I did this job alone, and once completed, I brought the pup home with me to keep him safe.
But, during this time of slaughter, it seemed my Ulfric was dealing with much more than that. Comfort was making his life a living hell. She was pregnant, something that hurt him considering his past. She knew she couldn’t carry this child to full term. So, why would she even want to attempt it. The pain of such a loss would destroy them both. It boggles my mind. I can still remember my child. My son. I can still remember seeing that precious face, blue in death. His tiny body…
~ she shudders, eyes falling closed…her own private hell…one she avoids at all costs…yet, this all brought it closer to home…especially since she can never have another child…her supposed master back then had made sure of it…she shakes it off, trying to get back to this journal entry ~
I went to tell Jason all that Tristan and I had found out, only to find him stressed out, barely able to function. I have no memory of him being like that before. But, more, we exchanged words that hurt us both. Something we’ve never done. I care for him, always have loved him in my own way. His words hurt me, more than any other words used against me. And, I word it that way purposefully.
We spent time together. Both using the company of the other to ease the tensions rife within us. It was nice to just be with him again. Nice to just throw away the tension, the rage. Be myself as I truly can only be around him. Only, things escalated out of control from there. For, I ended up doing much more than sleeping with him.
I hold no regrets with this. I love Jason. I always have. Sure, I wonder why we never did it before. But, I believe a lot of it is because neither of us was ready for the other. Jason needed a strong wolf to be his mate within the Lycan community, I needed someone that was willing to understand the way I am. Neither of us ready for such a thing. He needed a gentle white woman. ~ she grins at that, shaking her head some ~
Sad, but true. Jason understood me as my friend, but he wouldn’t have understood me as a lover. I truly believe that. Even now, I am doubting he does understand all of me. I love him, and he is my only true weakness. I understand more than I am comfortable with. I try to keep this light because of that. But, he could truly break my heart if I fully open myself to the possibilities. He could destroy that part of me that only trusts because of him.
Eh, too much about that. I don’t really want to write about that anymore. It makes me edgy. Instead, I need to write about one other thing that makes me such.
Tristan.
The contract I took to bring the Center and pack money turned out to be a trap. I completed the contract, Caper delivering the golden egg. But, the Master vampire was there with all his cronies to capture me. All I can really say about it is that I would have met my death with all the pride I have in me. I was prepared to die. In some way, I would have welcomed it. I have always been that way. A facet of my personality that no one seems to see. And, its better that way.
But, Tristan was there. He came to save me. As I stood there, fighting my own beast, attempting to squeeze that trigger, I bled. My insides falling out. I shudder even now as I remember it. More because it would have hurt my pack, my Ulfric…Jason. More than I would have thought possible, honestly. Yet, even with Tristan trying to save my life, my own stubbornness was in full out status. I could not allow myself to be a vampire’s servant. The mere thought that I agreed still gets to me. But, he did finally get me to be such.
I finally agreed, to save my pack. Tristan agreed to my conditions. But, even then, I hesitated. I could feel death there. I could feel its icy breath on the back of my neck. I still felt nearly welcoming to it. Silly, I know.
Many things happened after that. Jason became a beast servant to another vampire. Rio Riuz. The name gives me shivers. The memory of him- nightmares. My memory of him not worse than other vampires, but I do remember him. I remember the fear he could bring to life within me. I can remember him feeding off that fear. And, now, my Jason is his beast servant. It boggles the mind.
There is also my niece, Psyche. I can smell on her what werewolf marked her. After her shift, it was confirmed. Her beast marred by his malevolence. But, no one will tell me everything about that. Secrets being kept from me, even as my eldest brother shows more anger towards me than normal. There is a secret there, and I play a large part in it. I feel this to my very marrow.
~ she pauses, staring at what she has written…she can feel Jason shift beside her…and slowly…her beast slides out, cascading energy over him…soft, soothing…only he and the pups ever feeling that gentleness within her…evidenced in the beast she embraced through his help…once he stills back into sleep, she begins to write once more ~
Tristan and I have finally had a talk about all the marks. How they are done. I am against the final one. I don’t want to take his blood. I am not even sure I want him to take my blood. I just really don’t know what I want in terms of all this. Will Jason do all of the marks? Is he happy about this? The questions plague me, but more, what does this all mean in terms of he and I?
Already, I can feel my power boosted. My beast is stronger. I can feel it. I know that it is because of Tristan, Willa and I. And, I feel the change in Jason, as well. His power grows. And, there is more. His personality slowly begins to change. Nothing I can put my finger on, but its there.
My trip to Tristan’s house was something I can honestly say was pleasant. I didn’t expect that. His house is nice. I cant see myself living there, although I am sure the offer would have been made if he thought I would accept. It is a beautiful home. And, the gifts were something that I find myself pleased with. They were well thought out, planned. He knows more about me than I would have thought. He made the getting of the gifts a test of my skills, and I found that heady stuff.
But, now what will happen? The question plagues me. There is much going on in the city, and it seems that the pack plays a part in it all. Do I welcome this? I know that soon, Jason will remove Comfort as his Lupa. I will then have to move to make myself his Lupa. I can do no other because it is what we both want. I can not see anyone else as his Lupa now. I find me and my beast don’t ever wish another to be his Lupa. Slowly, there grows a jealousy that I am unsure how to feel about.
~ she looks at all she has written…then, sighing to herself, she closes the journal…and goes to put it away where she keeps it ~
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